It’s Sunday morning here at Blogistan Polytechnic Institute, and the faculty are pursuing our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”) – and avoiding media-borne pathogens – by quarantining themselves in the wine cellar library to drink think up truth.  That leaves your lowly mail clerk to perform our weekly task.  Except our mail has been quarantined, in case someone with an illness licked the envelope flap or the stamp, so we’re stuck responding to text messages.  Some seem to be in English, we think.

We don’t have spring break here at Blogistan Polytechnic Institute, or not since the faculty took that bender sabbatical in Tijuana that ended with a missing cue ball and a frantic call for bail money.  There are advantages to that, as it means none of our faculty, staff, or students are returning with viruses picked up elsewhere.  But it hasn’t stopped the pollen, so the staff are sneezing their way through the weekly poker game.  Chef offered a healthful breakfast of rye toast and fresh fruit salad and that helped some, although the Professor of Astrology Janitor was still rubbing his eyes after betting his Ace-high flush into Chef’s full house.  While she makes iced green tea to soothe him, and since the mail bag is in quarantine, we’ll check our IMs, SMSs, Tweets, and other gizmos, with the help of an electronic-to-English translator.

+++++

DMC,

R2D on D99. 99 = 33 x 3. 333 so 3 trins or 1/2 666. LOL. U help w/2010?

zigzag@senate.gov

Oh dear.  Into the electronic-to-English translator, which yields:

Dear Ms. Crissie,

I switched from Republican to Democrat on Day 99 of President Obama’s term.  99 equals 33 times 3, which is 3-3-3, so I’m either three Holy Trinities or half of the Antichrist, depending on whom you ask.  Can I count on the support of Blogistan Polytechnic Institute in my campaign for the Senate in 2010?

Arlen in PA

Much better.

Dear Arlen,

While we hesitate to speculate on the numerology, we are quite pleased that you decided to return to the Democratic Party.  As for whether Blogistan Polytechnic Institute will support your Senate campaign next year, that will depend on you.  If you represent your constituents and serve the country well over the next eighteen months, you’ve nothing to fear from us.  But 18 = 6 x 3 thus 6-6-6, so do be careful.

+++++

Hi C,

Big 100! BZ since 1/22 but congrats. What U think? GTG dog.

BO@whitehouse.gov

Hrmm … time for the translator again:

Sweetened 10% fruit drink,

Wow, we’ve both hit 100 days!  I’ve been busy since January 22, working to bring positive change for America on a wide range of issues, from our struggling economy to renewing relations with other nations, health care, and trying to repair the damage wrought by my predecessor, but I did want to congratulate the faculty and staff at BPI for Morning Feature hitting the 100-day mark this week.  So how do the faculty, staff, and student body rate my first 100 days?  Oops … the dog needs a walk … got to go.

Barack in D.C.

We assume the salutation is a translation error.

Dear Mr. President,

You have certainly been busy this past 100 days.  The response here at Blogistan Polytechnic Institute has generally been positive.  Unlike the tenure of your predecessor, the disagreements now focus on issues of “how” rather than “what,” which is to say most of us agree with what you’re trying to do, even if we sometimes question how you’re trying to do it.  That is a welcome change.  By the way, Woofie the Elder thinks Bo is cute.

P.S.: Thank you for the kind words.

+++++

Hey U,

GOP 2 NCNA or F*CKING A?  Both?

cantorwont@house.gov

Oh dear indeed.  Definitely need the translator:

Dear Blogistan Polytechnic Institute,

As you may have heard, we Republicans are trying to rebrand ourselves.  In that effort, we’ve formed the National Council for a New America to examine our core values and find a new sales pitch mission statement.  But it strikes us that with the under-30 demographic going overwhelmingly for the other party, we should also consider a Foundation for a United Conservative Konsensus In a New Generation of Americans, so we’re also encouraging our party members to have as many children as possible.  Which do you think we should focus on?  Should we do both?

Eric in GA

Dear Eric,

Regarding your rebranding effort, we should note that while Chevrolet redesigned the Corvair in the wake of revelations that it was prone to catastrophic failure, ultimately they were never able to win back the confidence of car buyers and had to drop the model altogether.  Your NCNA might want to consider that precedent in your deliberations.  Finally, as for your second proposal, we note that consensus is spelled with a C, not a K, except in internal memoranda here at Blogistan Polytechnic Institute.

+++++

Sweet n Fruity,

Chef FS?

yumyum@blogistan.edu

Sigh.  We feel so hopelessly out of date.  Once more to the translator:

Dear Ms. Crissie,

What are the ingredients in Chef’s fruit salad?

Sounds Yummy in Blogistan

Now there’s an interesting salutation translation.  We may need to tweak the programming a bit.

Dear Yummy,

Chef usually uses navel oranges with the wedges cut in half, along with chunks of pineapple, seedless grapes, melon slices, and blueberries or strawberries, depending on what is in season.  She adds no sugar or syrup, as the fructose is sufficient.

Bon appétit!

+++++

Happy Sunday!