The faculty, staff, and student body at BPI stubbornly deny all knowledge of the following:
- The Tijuana Incident – This rumor has been around since Spring Break a few years ago, and concerns a resident faculty bender sabbatical, a bar in Tijuana, some nuns, a missing cue ball, and a frantic call for bail money that emptied Chef’s poker winnings retirement account. The cue ball that does not exist and was not autographed by the nuns who were not there is not in a lighted display case by the hot tub faculty lounge, where it was not moved after Chef did not get upset when she did not see it while checking the stock in the wine cellar library. The faculty, who also were not there, insist this is just a campus legend made up to explain why BPI canceled Spring Break for faculty members.
- The Cream Cheese Incident – This supposedly happened when the Janitor Professor of Astrology taught a class wearing nothing but cream cheese. The cream cheese reportedly melted during class, and the Janitor Professor of Astrology fled the room. Upon finding the mess, the Professor of Astrology Janitor wrote a scathing letter to the Janitor Professor of Astrology, who denied any involvement. The Professor of Astrology Janitor wrote another letter, citing the class schedule. The Janitor Professor of Astrology said that was clearly a fabrication, as BPI has no actual classes. The exchange was reportedly so heated that the two refused to speak to himself for weeks. As they both talk to himself now and no letters have been found, this is probably just another unfounded campus rumor.
- The Tibetan Yak Festival – This allegedly involved your lowly mail room clerk, the Professor of Ecoinsaninsuroscamology, the Professor of Psycholegalese, a lovely sherpa named Sonia, and a coverup orchestrated by the Professor of Juronursinfosystology involving extra bales solicited from a nearby pasture by Pootie the Precious, just in case. Please. Like anyone would believe that.
- The Maryland Incident – No one actually saw JGinMD step outside to wave at other students from MaryBlogistan on that satellite photo. JGinMD was not naked when this did not happen and no one saw that birthmark which she doesn’t even have so it must have been someone else anyway. So there. Or here.
- The Missing Garden Gnome – This incident was reported by the BPI Squirrel shortly after the annual Solstice Celebration. Given the BPI Squirrel’s condition by the end of that celebration, the allegations are clearly preposterous and should not even be dignified with a denial that the supposedly-missing Garden Gnome is in the cupboard to the left of the sink in the BPI Kitchen. And we heard this probably-mythical Garden Gnome was ugly anyway. UPDATE: The BPI Squirrel’s garden gnome has been found. And (surprise) the BPI Squirrel is not happy about it….
- The Cuban Incident – After a month long investigation, we were able to report on the mysterious whereabouts of the HEMMED Lab operator during the last week of October 2010. The information was obtained by WikiDrips through sources close to a combined CIA-A&W surveillance operation
- The Ongoing Plot to Overthrow King Snorebore the Does He Really Need a Descriptor – Rumors swirl around every campus, and the mere fact that the BPI Staff includes P. Porcine, Earl of Swinesty and Villain Emeritus, is not prima facie evidence that he and his agent, DBunn, have any plans currently involving the Danes and Frau Sternboots in Amsterdam, funded by five wise gentlemen from New Jersistan who do not know about each other and we plan to keep it that way, capice? We all deeply respect and esteem King Snorebore the He’s Probably Not Even His Father’s Kid, and especially his lovely wife, Queen Sleepless With All That Snoring. They’re wonderful. Really. Honest.
Requests for clarification and subpoenas should be directed to the Legal Office, once BPI hires a lawyer. Which it looks like we probably should.