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Morning Feature – VampAir? (Ask Ms. Crissie)

July 20, 2014

Morning Feature

Morning Feature – VampAir? (Ask Ms. Crissie)

“Please look for the nearest emergency exits, which are marked with cloves of garlic,” Professor Plum said, pointing a wooden stake, “and thank you for flying VampAir.”

He read the mail. (More)

Professor Plum and Ms. Scarlet then left to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar mail room, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

In the staff poker game, almost-good-enough hands had drained the Professor of Astrology Janitor’s chips. Then he peeked at a pair of red Aces that, after Professor Plum’s interruption, vaguely resembled upside down fangs. He put in a pot-sized raise and Chef called. The Buffy-esque hand continued when the Jack, Nine, and Six of Hearts fell on the flop. The Professor of Astrology Janitor checked and then called Chef’s small bet. The Queen of Hearts fell on the turn, giving the Professor of Astrology Janitor an Ace-high flush. He checked again, hoping Chef would offer another teaser bet so he could move all-in. Instead she checked behind him. Like a stake through his Hearts, the Six of Clubs fell on the river. Yet again he checked, this time hoping Chef would check also. Yet again his hopes were dashed, as she bet enough that a call would require all of his chips.

Did she have a pair of Queens, Jacks, or Nines for a full house? A pair of Sixes for four of a kind? The King and Ten of Hearts for a straight-flush? Or was Chef simply bluffing? With so few chips left, his decision was easy if no still nerve-wracking. He called and turned over his Aces. Chef gulped and patted the table to congratulate him as she turned over a pair of red Kings.

The Professor of Astrology Janitor’s sigh of relief was almost indistinguishable from his signature plaintive mewling. Chef went to the kitchen to make Vampire Pancakes, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

There was something very strange about that Malaysian airliner. People at the crash site told me that a significant number of the bodies weren’t fresh, and they were drained of blood. Also, a large amount of blood serum was found in the wreckage. This must be investigated. Ukrainian authorities are capable of any baseness.

Igor in Eastern Ukraine

Dear Igor,

We congratulate you for throwing yet another wild conspiracy theory into this tragedy. That said, we note that you would be an authority on baseness, as you reportedly executed a 30-year-old man for stealing a pair of pants and two shirts from an abandoned house. Your memoirs of fighting in Bosnia mention what you call “gunpowder poisoning syndrome,” which you describe as “the sensation familiar to most professional fighters: the desire to risk it again, to live a ‘full’ life.” Gleb Pavolovsky, a former advisor to Russian President Vladimir Putin, called you “a messianic nationalist,” said you used to lead reenactments of Russian battles, and added “It used to be a fantasy world for people like him, but now they have a realm for their imaginations.”

From this we infer four possible scenarios. First, your sources at the crash site are exaggerating or lying. Second, the condition of the remains are the effects of decompression after the airliner was hit by a missile and the blood serum was cargo, perhaps for the medical researchers en route to an AIDS conference in Melbourne. Third, the Ukrainian government smuggled old bodies aboard a flight from Amsterdam to Kuala Lumpur that would never have touched down in the Ukraine had you not shot it down. Or fourth, there were vampires on board.

As we do not live in a fantasy world, we think the first two scenarios are far more likely.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

If an international independent investigation does indeed find that the missile was shot by rebel fighters, then the criminals responsible need to be held accountable. Russia has been logistically backing the rebels in this territory. If an investigation finds that this missile was indeed Russian, then it exemplifies exactly why state power should not be providing high-grade weaponry to militias.

Abby in D.C.

Dear Abby,

We commend your courage in saying this on RT-America, and we hope respond as they did in March when you criticized President Putin’s invasion of the Crimea. Your desire to “go down on the right side of history” is laudable. That said, we hope your résumé is up to date.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Please say Chef’s Vampire Pancakes aren’t made with … you know. Oh, and no garlic either.

Shuddering for Breakfast in Blogistan

Dear Shuddering for Breakfast,

Chef reassures us that her Vampire Pancakes include neither you-know nor garlic. To make them, she adds a dash of vanilla extract to regular pancake batter. She then spoons the batter onto a preheated griddle, tops each pancake with several small dabs of raspberry jam, and spoons a bit more batter on top. The filling will thin out a bit as the pancake cooks, and ooze out when you poke the cooked pancake with a wooden stake … or a toothpick. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Igor in Eastern Ukraine; executed a 30-year-old man; Gleb Pavlovsky; researchers en route to AIDS conference.

Abby in D.C.; “go down on the right side of history.”

Vampire Pancakes.

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Happy Sunday!

  • winterbanyan

    That was quite a takedown, Ms. Crissie. I’ve heard a lot of conspiracy theories over the last few days, but Igor’s tops them all. I suppose all the grieving families are just pretending, too.

    Dang, I hope they catch the guys who did this and haul them before an international court.

    I hadn’t heard Abby’s remarks before. I’m firmly on her side.

    I think I’ll skip the vampire pancakes, although they, at least, sound wonderful.

  • Linda

    Igor and his fellow rebel fighters are in a box of Putin’s making. They may indeed have gun powder poisoning but they have also bought into the glory of Russia reunited that Putin was selling. It doesn’t matter how many conspiracy theories they come up with. At the end of the day, Putin will have to choose between continuing to support the rebels or blaming them to save his shaky spot in the international community. If it is him or them guess how it will go.

    I feel for the families watching a crime scene be looted and their loved ones piled by the side of the road. How awful for them. Someone must recognize that red suitcase or that backpack. That some of this is happening in a field of sunflowers is so strange.