Tonight the Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences host their annual speech making contest under the clever guise of offering awards for movie excellence. (More)
Once upon a time, the Academy Awards were a Big Deal. They were the only major movie awards in the days before the Cannes Film Festival, Golden Globes, and People’s Choice, and pretty much everyone else joined the procession. Nowadays, if a film doesn’t won some award, somewhere, it’s probably because some award entry form got buried under the pile of other award entry forms on the producer’s desk.
Indeed many producers were thrilled when Blogistan Polytechnic Institute began awarding the BPI Awards for Excellence in Nonexistence – those curvaceous and coveted Bippies – because there are no entry forms to fill out.
Regardless, the focus of the Oscars shifted to a speech making contest with a handful of simple rules:
- You must wear a tuxedo or a fancy gown.
- You must write a 45-second speech.
- If you are chosen to give your 45-second speech, you must stop when the times-up music starts after three minutes.
- If you are not chosen to give your speech, you must applaud and smile for the person who is, rather than run around the room shouting “What, exactly, did you like about that?”
Other than that, it’s pretty much open. You can choose your topic such as world peace or a horrible disease. If you can’t think of a topic, you can thank other people who worked on your movie. Only the host is allowed to use visual aids, so leave your PowerPoint presentation at home, but you can demonstrate your physical fitness plan:
With that in mind, the BPI resident faculty and staff offer this sample Oscar Acceptance Speech:
Thank you for this amazing opportunity to tell you about Blogistan Polytechnic Institute. [Or, if you’re a shallow and selfish entertainer and don’t read BPI, you can mention your stupid movie.] I’d like to thank everyone who made this possible: the faculty and staff, the students, and of course the Squirrel whose tweets kept me laughing while I was working on my film. [Or you can thank people from your stupid movie.] I’m truly honored to receive this award and I’ll use my fame to promote world peace and raise awareness about a horrible disease. Now I’m off to the wine cellar. [Or you can do pushups.]
We sent this sample Oscar Acceptance Speech to all of the nominees. Or at least we meant to. The to-do list got buried under those award entry forms.