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Morning Feature – SkeetGate? (Ask Ms. Crissie)

February 3, 2013

Morning Feature

Morning Feature – SkeetGate? (Ask Ms. Crissie)

Professor Plum was in full voice this morning: “I’ll sing you a song/And it won’t take long/Did you ever see a skeeter on the wall?/Did you ever see a skeeter on the wall-oh?/Did you ever see a skeeter on the wall?”

We had. In the mail. (More)

But Professor Plum would not be denied, and he launched into the second verse: “I’ll sing you another/And it’s just like the other/Did you ever see a skeeter on the wall?/Did you ever see a skeeter on the wall-oh?/Did you ever see a skeeter on the wall?”

He said there was another verse, but Ms. Scarlet took his hand and they left to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

In the staff poker game, the Professor of Astrology Janitor pulled a stack of chips aside to bet on his a pair of red Aces. Chef called, and the Professor of Astrology Janitor carefully concealed his glee when the flop brought the Ace of Spades and two black Eights. He checked, and Chef checked behind him. He eyed the Five of Spades on the turn and loaded another stack of chips, and again Chef called. If Chef had not already made her Spade flush, the Deuce of Spades on the river surely completed it. The Professor of Astrology Janitor checked his full house, and Chef offered a pot-sized bet. He raised enough to force Chef all-in, and grinned as she called.

“Aces full of Eights,” he announced, turning over his hole cards.

“Nice hand,” Chef said as she turned her cards up. “I have the other two Eights.”

He began his plaintive mewling, and Chef headed for the kitchen to finish her Clay Pot Asparagus Egg Puff, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I think President Obama’s claim of skeet shooting is a relevant point of conversation. If he is a skeet shooter, why have we not heard of this? Why have we not seen photos? Why has he not referenced it at any point in time as we have had this gun debate that is ongoing? You would have thought it would have been a point of reference.I’ll tell you what I do think, I think he should invite me to Camp David and I’ll go skeet shooting with him, and I bet I’ll beat him.

Marsha in TN

Dear Marsha,

We applaud your ability to manufacture a controversy. That said, we note that no one asked for photographic evidence of Mitt Romney’s varmint hunting claim. Still, let us assume that President Obama took up your challenge, invited you to Camp David for a skeet shooting competition, and you won. What then? Did we miss the constitutional amendment that replaced the Electoral College with a skeet shooting tournament?

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

A number of readers have raised questions about the president’s statement that he goes skeet shooting “all the time” while at Camp David. In these suspicious times, they would like to see some evidence. But the White House has been oddly silent about the matter. We live in suspicious times and the president lives in a media fishbowl. That’s the way it is. In the meantime, we do not have enough information to make a ruling one way or the other. We are eager to see a photograph, or hear from someone who saw him at the skeet range, to put this matter to rest.

Update: The White House released a photograph of the president at the Camp David skeet range on Aug. 4, 2012. We are pleased the White House has become more forthcoming about this matter, though it does not quite answer the questions concerning the president’s “all the time” language. What do readers think?

Glenn in D.C.

Dear Glenn,

We cannot speak for all readers, but this reader thinks you took the bait on an absurd nontroversy and made yourself and your Fact Checker column look silly. As you note in a later update, two news stories mentioned President Obama learning to shoot. One was published the day before your column, and the other was published in 2010. Does Fact Checker not have access to internet search engines? In fact, why are there no photos of you searching the internet? We live in suspicious times, as you say, and we dare not merely assume you search the internet for facts before writing your Fact Checker columns.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

You missed this update from Glenn in D.C.:

With the help of National Security Agency satellite imaging experts, we examined the photo released by the White House allegedly showing the President shooting skeet last August. We have determined that it is in fact a forgery, likely shot only yesterday in Washington, DC’s sub-freezing temperatures. Not only is steam seen curiously being emitted from the rifle barrel, something more typical of weapons fire on a brisk winter’s day than August 4th’s balmy 96 degrees, but on closer microscopic examination we found unusual folds in the chest-fabric of the shirt suggesting that the presidential nips were particularly perky that day.

You may say I made that up, citing my parenthetical note – “(In case folks didn’t get it, this last park is poking fun at the media’s obsession with absurdly irrelevant details. The Washington Post did not in fact comment on the President’s perky nipples.)” – as evidence. But without a photo of me writing that paragraph, how can we be sure?

John in D.C.

Dear John,

How, indeed? Moreover, we would need handwriting analysis to determine whether the labels in this photo were written and drawn by you.

Indeed we have no conclusive evidence that you exist. Yes, you have a biography at your internet consulting firm’s website. But these are suspicious times, as Glenn in D.C. wrote, and after the Te’o-Kekua Hoax we feel it necessary to triple-check everything. Please send a tweet to @BPISquirrel to confirm your existence. Only then can we sure it’s true.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Are you sure you milked this for all it’s worth? Also, how do I make Chef’s Clay Pot Asparagus Egg Puff, and should I make it before or after I use the clay pot as a skeet target?

Blasting at Breakfast in Blogistan

Dear Blasting at Breakfast,

The Squirrel shot a few more comedic pigeons on the #SkeetGate hashtag:

Did POTUS shoot skeet on sound stage during moon landings?

Does White House chef cook skeet shot by POTUS?

Are POTUS’s skeet dropped by black helicopters onto bike lanes?

POTUS skeet shoots at Blackberry, tweets #Bqhatevwr.

Did POTUS shoot skeet over Pearl Harbor on 12/7/41?

POTUS shoots skeet with a 13 gauge. It’s European.

As for Chef’s Clay Pot Asparagus Egg Puff, it’s quite easy. First beat 10 eggs together in 3 cups of milk. Cube 10 slices of bread and stir them into the egg mixture, along with 1 pound of blanched asparagus cut into 1″ pieces, 1 teaspoon of mustard powder, 1 teaspoon of salt, and ½ cup of grated cheddar cheese. Pour into a clay pot, cover, and refrigerate overnight, then bake covered at 350° for 45 minutes. Uncover and bake for 15 more minutes to brown the top. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Marsha in TN

Glenn in D.C.

John in D.C.; biography; Te’o-Kekua Hoax.

#SkeetGate hashtag.

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Happy Sunday!

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5 Responses to “Morning Feature – SkeetGate? (Ask Ms. Crissie)”

  1. addisnana Says:

    Wow. I think there is more milk in this story although you have done a magnificent job of pulling on the right wing and media teats.

    I giggled and laughed out loud. Great Sunday morning treat. Thank you.

  2. winterbanyan Says:

    #skeetgate. Hah! Double Hah! Good heavens, is this all these idiots can think to write about? So all the way back in 2010 PBO was learning to shoot, and now says he enjoys skeet shooting at Camp David. This is a problem why?

    We saw photos of W cutting brush. I’ve long suspected that’s the only brush he ever cut. So?

    What a tempest over a clay pigeon. Cheney didn’t face nearly as much when he mistook his friend for a quail.

    Thanks for the laughs, Ms. Crissie. :D