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Evening Focus – Silly Sunday: The Harbaugh Halftime Speeches

February 3, 2013

Our Evening Focus

Evening Focus – Silly Sunday: The Harbaugh Halftime Speeches

Super Bowl XLVII only kicked off at 6:30 and, given the pace of Super Bowl play, may not reach halftime until May. However, we have advanced copies of the coaches’ halftime speeches. (More)

Despite Beyonce’s planned halftime concert, rumors that the players lip-synch their actions to a video football game recorded yesterday remain unproven. So we don’t yet know the halftime score, and won’t until halftime starts in early May.

The Super Bowl is less a football game than a television advertising festival, with football plays inserted to ensure that viewers distinguish Ford from Chevy, Budweiser from Heineken, and Viagra from Cialis. After all, who would want to spend $4 million for a 30-second spot, only to discover that viewers put down their beer, brushed the nacho crumbs off their laps, and rushed to sign up for … that other day-trading firm?

Still, the players take it seriously, hoping to write their names into the annals of sporting championship history. So do the coaches, as revealed by these advance drafts of their halftime speeches:

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COACH HARBAUGH: Men, I know you’re feeling a little down. We had some tough breaks and some missed opportunities. But it’s only halftime. We’re going to make a few adjustments, but first let’s be clear. This game will come down to who wants it the most. Who’s willing to give 110%. It’s gut check time, as you can tell from the sounds of toilets flushing throughout across this great land.

Just trying to lighten the mood. The key thing to remember when you go back out there is, be physical and avoid mental mistakes. Or be mental and avoid physical mistakes. Or be metaphysical and avoid … umm, I don’t know where that was going.

The point is, whatever happens in the second half, some of you will be back with us next year, trying to get to another Super Bowl. Some of you will be with other teams. Some of you will decide to hang up your cleats. But if you don’t come back and win, I’ll hear about it for the rest of my life at every family dinner. Don’t make me have to make a gracious congratulatory speech for my brother. I’m still mad at him for throwing my stuffed green gorilla out of our playpen. I still have that stuffed gorilla, and I want to shove it into his turkey next Thanksgiving. So let’s get out there and win.

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And the other speech:

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COACH HARBAUGH: Men, I know you’re feeling good. We had some good breaks and took advantage of some opportunities. But it’s only halftime. We’re going to make a few adjustments, but first let’s be clear. This game will come down to who wants it the most. Who’s willing to give 110%. It’s time to man up, as you can tell from the rattle of erectile dysfunction pill bottles across this great land.

Just trying to lighten the mood. The key thing to remember when you go back out there is, play with passion and discipline. Kinda like that book Fifty Shades of Grey, except … umm, I don’t know where that was going.

The point is, whatever happens in the second half, some of you will be back with us next year, trying to get to another Super Bowl. Some of you will be with other teams. Some of you will decide to hang up your cleats. But if you don’t hang on and win, I’ll hear about it for the rest of my life at every family dinner. Don’t make me have to make a gracious congratulatory speech for my brother. I’m still mad at him for dumping the litter box on my pillow. I still have that pillowcase, and I want to shove it into his turkey next Thanksgiving. So let’s get out there and win.

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I don’t know about you, but I’m motivated….

  • http://cendax.wordpress.com Norbrook

    :lol: