Sometimes reality can feel overwhelming. Like when you’ve just started reading this and the phone rings and the microwave beeps and you have to use the bathroom. We’ll wait…. (More)
Welcome back. So now all is right with the world. You’re sitting there with dinner, looking forward to a good read, and if that weren’t enough you just got a text from Someone (no, we’re not spying on you) that read “MmmWAH, Goof!” (No, we won’t ask.) Life is so nice you can hardly hear the black helicopters circling….
NORFOLK, VA – According to numerous reports, local 62-year-old Earl Bailey, who owns a shotgun and several boxes of ammunition, is currently the last bastion of defense between the United States of America and the federal government’s plot of a full-scale takeover.
Bailey, a recent retiree and a proud advocate of gun rights, has been confirmed by multiple sources as being a true patriot, and is, at present, the only person capable of preventing top-secret forces within the government from striking and forcefully coercing hundreds of millions of Americans to submit to a fascist and brutal New World Order.
Ask Someone to glare at link for more.
Of course that’s all fantasy, but there is a real world out there. For example, on Tuesday President Barack Obama gave his Second Inaugural Address, which pleased almost everyone….
Republicans Praise Obama for Offering Bold Vision to Thwart – by Andy Borowitz (The Borowitz Report)
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Congressional Republicans heaped fulsome praise on President Obama’s second Inaugural Address today, saying that it had given them a detailed list of things to thwart over the next four years.
“My big fear was that the speech would be full of vague platitudes that wouldn’t be helpful to us in plotting against him,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio). “Once he started offering details of what he actually hoped to accomplish, though, I realized we had hit the mother lode.”
Ask Someone to oppose that link for more.
But not everyone was focused on the inauguration….
NEW YORK – Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o admitted Thursday that he was one of several people duped by an elaborate hoax involving the death of his nonexistent girlfriend in a revealing interview with a scarecrow dressed as Katie Couric. “It wasn’t just me—a lot of people got tricked,” said Te’o, who reportedly reached for the scarecrow’s straw hand and gazed longingly into the eyes drawn on the burlap sack face.
Ask Someone to click that link for more.
And not everyone who focused on the inauguration was pleased….
Obama Urged to Resign Over Beyoncé Scandal – by Andy Borowitz (The Onion)
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – A rising chorus of congressional Republicans are calling on President Obama to acknowledge that the pop singer Beyoncé lip-synched during his inaugural festivities on Monday and resign from office, effective immediately.
“By lip-synching the national anthem, Beyoncé has cast a dark cloud over the President’s second term,” said Sen. Rand Paul (R-Kentucky). “The only way President Obama can remove that cloud is by resigning from office at once.”
While many in the media have blamed Beyoncé for the lip-synching controversy, Mr. Paul said, “We must remember that this happened on President Obama’s watch.”
Ask Someone to lip-synch that link for more.
But sometimes life offers a kind of justice….
I Just Want To Apologize To Manti Te’o For What I Put Him Through – by Lennay Kekua (The Onion)
Recent events have forced me to do a lot of deep and involved soul-searching. In a little over 24 hours, the nation has watched in bewilderment as the reputation of a wonderful man has been called into question. The worst part about this embarrassing scandal is that it has all been at the expense of a generous, kind, and, above all, trusting man named Manti Te’o, whose only crime was caring for me: an imaginary person who does not exist.
And because of this, I just want to say: I’m sorry, Manti, for everything I’ve put you through.
Ask Someone to sob on that link for more.
And maybe Someone will. If he/she exists, and can get there before the black helicopters….