Professor Plum sashayed into the mail room singing the Frank Silver and Irving Cohn classic, “Yes, We Have No Bananas.”

He read the mail. (More)

The staff were spared Professor Plum’s rendition of Billy Jones’ lesser known follow up – “I’ve Got the Yes! We Have No Bananas Blues” – when Ms. Scarlet took his hand and led him off to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

In the staff poker game, the Professor of Astrology Janitor claimed he was hydro-plantaining when he mistook his pair of Jacks for a still-viable hand after Chef called his opening bet and bet out herself on an Ace-King-Six flop. He called, but another Ace on the turn convinced him that his Jacks were worth, well, jack. He folded and began his plantainive mewling, and Chef left for the kitchen to make Cinnamon Banana Bread, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I can’t believe the way some textbooks are pushing the liberal agenda. There’s an algebra worksheet titled Distribute the Wealth! Distribute the Wealth! Distribute the wealth with the lovely rich girl with a big ole bag of money, handing some money out. My son’s history textbook was also and very, very liberally biased, saying George Bush went into Iraq because he heard there were weapons of mass destruction and they were never found. It was a very liberal bias to the history books.

Eric in NY

Dear Eric,

We understand your outrage. Surely Scholastic could have found a better title for their algebra worksheet, such as “The Distributive Property, Theory and Examples in Multiplication.” Alas, they seem to prefer titles such as “Money! Money! Money!” for subtracting decimal numbers and “Cock-a-Doodle-Do!” for dividing by two-digit divisors. Clearly, the editors of Scholastic are subliminally priming young girls to ‘distribute’ their ‘wealth’ over boys’ ‘Cock-a-Doodle-Dos’ in exchange for ‘Money! Money! Money!’ Or they choose catchy titles to keep students engaged as they learn basic math skills. As for your son’s history book, we cannot imagine how the writers reached such ridiculous conclusions, given President Bush’s public comments about Iraqi WMDs, including sending Colin Powell to present evidence of Iraq’s alleged WMD programs at the United Nations, and the CIA’s later findings that Iraq had no such programs. So we understand your outrage over education. You are a conservative and, as Stephen Colbert so eloquently put it, “Reality has a well-known liberal bias.”

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Part of the reason the Dems still control the Senate is because of comments made in Missouri by Todd Akin and Indiana by Mourdock were considered a little bit over the top. Mourdock basically said ‘Look, if there is conception in the aftermath of a rape, that’s still a child, and it’s a child of God, essentially.’ Now, in Indiana, that cost him the election.

And in Missouri, Todd Akin … was asked by a local news source about rape and he said, ‘Look, in a legitimate rape situation’ — and what he meant by legitimate rape was just look, someone can say I was raped: a scared-to-death 15-year-old that becomes impregnated by her boyfriend and then has to tell her parents, that’s pretty tough and might on some occasion say, ‘Hey, I was raped.’ That’s what he meant when he said legitimate rape versus non-legitimate rape. I don’t find anything so horrible about that. But then he went on and said that in a situation of rape, of a legitimate rape, a woman’s body has a way of shutting down so the pregnancy would not occur. He’s partly right on that.

And I’ve delivered lots of babies, and I know about these things. It is true. We tell infertile couples all the time that are having trouble conceiving because of the woman not ovulating, ‘Just relax. Drink a glass of wine. And don’t be so tense and uptight because all that adrenaline can cause you not to ovulate.’ So he was partially right wasn’t he? But the fact that a woman may have already ovulated 12 hours before she is raped, you’re not going to prevent a pregnancy there by a woman’s body shutting anything down because the horse has already left the barn, so to speak. And yet the media took that and tore it apart.

Phil in GA

Dear Phil,

Please proceed, Congressman.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

At a breakfast yesterday morning, I was asked why Democrats made abortion a central theme of the presidential campaign. I do not defend, nor do I stand by, the remarks made by Rep. Akin and Mr. Mourdock. In my attempt to provide context as to what I presumed they meant, my position was misconstrued.

Phil in GA

Dear Phil,

We understand. How could anyone mistake your eloquent defense of remarks made by Rep. Akin and Mr. Mourdock for defending or standing by the remarks of Rep. Akin and Mr. Mourdock? Anyone who might draw such an inference from phrases like “I don’t find anything so horrible about that” and “He’s partly right on that” has obviously misconstrued your position, that of trying to center yourself on the outermost toe of your right foot. You have a valid complantaint.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Do you plantain to continue making plantain puns all morning?

Orange in Blogistan

Dear Orange,

What an odd name. Why did you choose it?

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Orange you glad I didn’t say banana? Oh, and how do I make Chef’s Cinnamon Banana Bread?

Orange in Blogistan

Dear Orange,

We hope you’re trying to supplantain our lowly role as mail room clerk. As for Chef’s Cinnamon Banana Bread, first butter a 9″x5″x3″ bread pan and preheat the oven to 325°. Next cream 1 stick of unsalted butter at room temperature together with 1 cup of granulated sugar until light and fluffy. Add 2 eggs, one at a time, beating each egg into the mixture. In a separate bowl, mash 3 ripe bananas with a fork and mix in 1 Tablespoon of milk, 1 teaspoon of ground cinnamon, 2 cups of all-purpose flour, and 1 teaspoon each of baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Add the banana mixture to the creamed sugar mixture and stir until combined, then add the dry ingredients and mix until the flour just disappears. Pour the batter into the baking pan and bake for 60 to 70 minutes, until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Set on a cooling rack for 15 minutes, then remove from the baking pan and allow to cool completely before slicing. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

“Yes, We Have No Bananas”; “I’ve Got the Yes! We Have No Bananas Blues”

Eric in NY; algebra worksheets; Bush’s public comments about Iraqi WMDs; Powell’s UN presentation; CIA’s findings that Iraq had no WMDs; reality has a well-known liberal bias.

Phil in GA; my position was misconstrued.

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Happy Sunday!