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Morning Feature – GOP Gone Wild? (Ask Ms. Crissie)

January 6, 2013

Morning Feature

Morning Feature – GOP Gone Wild? (Ask Ms. Crissie)

“What do you think of these?” Ms. Scarlet asked as she showed Chef her melons.

“She’s gone wild!” Professor Plum exclaimed.

He read the mail. (More)

Chef examined them, decided they were suitable, and asked Ms. Scarlet to put them in the kitchen. Ms. Scarlet thanked Chef, then left with Professor Plum to drop off the fruit before joining the resident faculty in the wine cellar library where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

In the staff poker game, the Professor of Astrology Janitor was going wild with another big pair. He raised with his two black Kings before the flop, and was only mildly concerned when Chef called. The Ace and King of Hearts fell with the Ten of Diamonds on the flop. He checked, then raised when Chef bet what he thought was likely a paired Ace. Chef called. The Four of Clubs on the turn seemed tame, and this time the Professor of Astrology bet out with his three Kings. After only a moment’s pause, Chef called. When Nine of Diamonds fell at the river, the he put in a pot-sized bet. Now Chef raised, enough that a call would require the rest of the Professor of Astrology Janitor’s chips. Did she have a weaker hand, perhaps two pair or a smaller three-of-a-kind, that she thought was a winner? Was she trying to buy her way out of a busted flush draw?

He called, and as it happened he was half-right. Chef did have a busted flush, but her Queen and Jack of Hearts had already made an Ace-high straight. He began his plaintive mewling and Chef left for the kitchen to make Breakfast Melon Ball Crunch, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Conservatives have gone wild. In the realm of philosophy, “conservatism” from Thomas Hobbes onward is a worldview dedicated to order and tradition and the proposition that disorder is dangerous and deadly. Thus, it is the opposite of “conservative” to embrace chaos instead of order.

John in NY

Dear John,

We agree. Consider this bizarre letter we received just this week:

Dear Ms. Crissie,

I know people are criticizing him, but let’s give him credit. There’s no facelift with John Boehner. He is who he is.

Louie in TX

We’re sure you’ll agree, John, that sexist comments about Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi’s age and appearance are … out of order.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Actually I didn’t mean that.

John in NY

Dear John,

We apologize. Perhaps you meant this letter:

Dear Ms. Crissie,

In order that each student recognize the importance of spiritual development in establishing character and becoming a good citizen, the governing body of a school corporation or the equivalent authority of a charter school may require the recitation of the Lord’s Prayer at the beginning of each school day. The prayer may be recited by a teacher, a student, or the class of students.

Dennis in IN

Clearly, disregarding the First Amendment Establishment Clause by using the power of the state to compel children to practice one’s favored religion, in defiance of numerous U.S. Supreme Court decisions, would defy order in favor of chaos.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Umm, no, that wasn’t what I meant either.

John in NY

Dear John,

We understand. Perhaps you hadn’t seen that yet and meant this letter:

Dear Ms. Crissie,

I have proposed a bill in my state legislature that would allow superintendents to recommend certain principals and teachers to have guns at school.

Kerry in AL

Kerry in AL’s bill makes no provision for training armed principals or teachers, and indeed the state’s teachers oppose the idea, saying school security should be the job of trained, professional resource officers. Surely his dangerous proposal invites the chaos and disorder you deplore?

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

No, that isn’t it either. I was referring to conservatives who have turned on other conservatives, such as criticizing Speaker John Boehner over the fiscal cliff deal. (To be fair, it’s not just righties who are acting out: New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, for one, went way over the edge this week, freaking out at a potential two-week delay in passage of the Sandy relief bills.)

Then came talk that Boehner should be fired as speaker of the House when the time came to vote in the new speaker yesterday afternoon. Yet none of the insurgents was brave enough to stand against him; instead, a bunch of them cast nonsense votes for someone else or refused to vote at all.

In so doing, they came close to handing Boehner a humiliating and entirely destructive defeat – forcing a second ballot and leaving their own party leader critically injured. They seemed to crave disorder.

This is how people who are more comfortable on the margins than in the middle of things behave. This is cannibalism, not political combat. This is unreason, not reason. This is temper, not temperament.

This is anarchism, not conservatism.

John in NY

We see. So you define “going wild” not as Republicans hurling ugly sexist insults at Democrats, or ignoring the First Amendment and the Supreme Court to impose their religion on schoolchildren, or disregarding teachers’ objections to pursue a gun industry-sponsored vision of schools as armed encampments. Instead, you define “going wild” as …

… Republicans criticizing other Republicans? We wonder if it struck you that, by pointing this out, you too are criticizing other Republicans? We also wonder if there was a camera around when you wrote this, and whether you were thrown any beads. We can’t wait for the video.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Do I need a pair of big melons to make today’s breakfast?

Flatly Hungry in Blogistan

Dear Flatly Hungry,

Chef says you won’t need a pair of big melons to prepare her Breakfast Melon Ball Crunch recipe at home. To make it, first halve and seed a large cantaloupe or honeydew, then use a melon baller or Tablespoon-sized scoop to make 24 melon balls. Use a paring knife to level the bottom of each ball, then cut a small hollow in the top of each. Fill each ball with about 1 teaspoon of vanilla yoghurt, sprinkle with granola, and top each ball with a dried cranberry. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

John in NY.

Louie in TX.

Dennis in IN.

Kerry in AL.

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Happy Sunday!

  • winterbanyan

    That’s more work than I’m prepared to do to enjoy some melon for breakfast. Just sayin’. ;)

    Struggling through these letters was even harder than the recipe. Really.

    While I agree the Republicans are engaged in political cannibalism and perhaps suicide, their devotion to order is certainly not on display. Disorder seems to be the rule of the day.

    Thanks for an entertaining ride in the House of Horrors. ;) I’m not even going to respond to the letters. I’m taking Michael Tomasky’s view: you can’t negotiate with madmen. Hah!

    • NCrissieB

      We agree that Republicans’ devotion to order is not on display, and in far more ways than John in NY will admit. “Protection-racket politics” that threaten economic chaos unless Republicans get what they want – as several Republican leaders have proposed over the debt ceiling – are hardly consistent with John in NY’s view of conservatism … yet we could not find John in NY offering any criticism of Republicans over the 2011 debt ceiling crisis, nor any over their threats to do it again. Perhaps because John in NY thinks the only real “chaos” is when Republicans criticize other Republicans … unless he does the criticizing….

      Good morning! ::hugggggs::

  • addisnana

    Hats off to Ms. Crissie and John in NY for making me laugh out loud!

    I would also like to thank Speaker Boehner for making it acceptable for powerful men to cry in public. When Ed Muskie did this in his 1972 presidential primary run it wasn’t so acceptable.

    Whatever the truth, these dispatches about Muskie’s lack of composure damaged his stable, steady image and contributed to his poorer-than-expected showing in the New Hampshire primary. Muskie’s “cry” was a signal event in his surprising decline and eventual collapse as a credible front runner.

    Apparently Boehner has decoupled tears from a “stable, steady image” and freed all politicians. The rest of us are in tears watching the chaos though.

    How does one pick good melons anyway?

    • NCrissieB

      Chef chooses melons by squeezing the spot where the stem was removed. A good melon is neither hard nor squishy. We would explain further, but this is a family-friendly forum. ;-)

      Good morning! ::hugggggs::

      • Gardener

        ;-) ;-)