The story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs twisted, turned and told as a tale of the GOP. (More)
The ugly stepmother looked at his mirror before the election.
“Pollster, pollster on the wall, who’s the fairest of the two of us running?” he asked his magic mirror.
The mirror replied, “Time to shake the etch-a-sketch and move to the center, you ugly mother. Trust the magic mirror. People weren’t paying attention before but you can get their attention as a moderate if you win the first debate.”
Ugly mother listened to the magic mirror and did as he was told. Lo and behold he won the first debate and the mirror cackled with delight.
Right before the election, the ugly mother approached the mirror again.
“Pollster, pollster on the wall, who’s the fairest of the two of us?” he asked again.
The mirror replied, “You’ve got it in the bag you ugly mother. Don’t worry. Our polls all show you up by 5 or more. Still, a swing by Pennsylvania might be a good idea.”
The ugly mother basked in his dreams of success and followed the advice of his pollsters.
The ugly mother voted for himself early on election day and spent the day campaigning. He thought the optics of being on the trail would make him look serious about wanting the job.
As the returns came in, the ugly mother went to his magic mirror and asked again.
“Pollster, pollster on the wall, what the hell is going on? I thought you said I had a five point lead?”
The mirror was heard yelling at Fox News, “You can’t call Ohio yet. That’s ours.” Actually the mirror was apoplectic and the ugly mother decided he had no choice but to concede. Once Fox had declared the black man as ‘the fairest in the land,’ it was clearly over.
Ugly mother and his wife and Dopey and his wife were shocked and not the kind of shock that is shock and awe. The ugly mother retreated from public view and it was up to the seven dwarfs to carry on without him.
Grumpy once again obediently trotted off to the Sunday morning political talk shows and did his bit. True to character, he set upon the idea of prolonging the fake Benghazi scandal in an attempt to smear ‘the fairest of them all.’ It isn’t clear whether he is grumpy or is playing grumpy but it doesn’t really matter. Grumpy is as grumpy does.
Happy, fresh from hugging ‘the fairest of them all’ and riding around in the fair one’s helicopter was the least helpful dwarf and the least likely size wise. Happy had problems of his own to solve and lo and behold, actually solving problems for real people caused his popularity to rise. It made him even happier.
Sneezy made a few nice comments to ‘the fairest of them all’ and then tried to get the fair one to go back to the agreement they’d made when Sneezy thought the ugly mother was going to win. The ‘fairest one’ was having none of it which made Sneezy cry.
Bashful, who is really not shy at all but simply pretending to stay in the background as befits a number 2 dwarf, spent his time trying to get enough votes to knock Sneezy out. We won’t know how well Bashful did until January 3rd.
Sleepy, who had set a goal of ousting ‘the fairest of them all’ after one term, had trouble staying awake for the debates on the fiscal cliff. He asked the ugly mother if he could borrow the magic mirror on the wall but the ugly mother was done with the game and did not reply. A different mirror might have told Sleepy that he was fighting a losing battle but then Sleepy had been doing that a lot of late.
Doc, who had his own magic mirror didn’t listen to anybody. He just stood on the Senate floor resisting progress by any technicality he could find that might block ‘the fairest of them all’ from getting anything done. Doc, in spite of his medical background, seemed willing to let the patient die rather than give an inch.
Dopey, fresh from his national defeat, is once again leafing through his “Path to Disparity” budget and telling people that the numbers are too complicated to get into. The CBO disagrees and tells people who are willing to listen that the math doesn’t work yet some call Dopey’s plan a ‘serious proposal.’ The American voters apparently didn’t want to chance it.
The mirror went on the talks shows too talking about skewing polls and unskewing polls until no one but Nate Silver had a clue what they were mumbling about. Fittingly, the ugly mother got about 47% of the votes which turned out to be the percentage of the population he had so arrogantly despised. With the ugly mother out of the way, the Seven Dwarfs and their followers are trying to figure out what to do.