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Furthermore! – The Emanuel-Snowe War on Christmas

December 5, 2012

Furthermore

Furthermore! – The Emanuel-Snowe War on Christmas

You’ve probably heard of the Bowles-Simpson Plan, and yesterday’s Public Policy Polling survey broke the news on the Panetta-Burns Plan. But you probably hadn’t heard of the Emanuel-Snowe Plan, at least not by that name…. (More)

Yesterday the twins, Nancy and Michelle, asked Mrs. Squirrel why we don’t have a holiday tree at Árbol Squirrel. They were only a couple of months old last December 21st, so they don’t remember the faculty, staff, students, and some people I didn’t recognize, dancing around Árbol Squirrel to celebrate the Winter Solstice.

Yes, Árbol Squirrel is the BPI Holiday Tree. Having our own holiday tree inside that would be like living in an Escher drawing.

I call it the BPI Holiday Tree because I’m fully committed to the Emanuel-Snowe Plan. That is nothing like the Bowles-Simpson Plan, which is a shockingly tax-heavy approach to solving our nation’s long-term debt. The Emanuel-Snowe Plan is also nothing like the Panetta-Burns Plan, or at least we don’t think so. The Panetta-Burns Plan is so secret it doesn’t even exist, which is why Blogistan Polytechnic Institute joined the growing chorus of voices – we’re sure that chorus will grow, soon – by calling on Congress to investigate it. Americans deserve to know exactly what Leon Panetta and Conrad Burns are not planning.

That said, you’ve probably heard of the Emanuel-Snowe Plan by the name they use over at Fox News: The War on Christmas. On sure, Jon Stewart may make fun of it on The Daily Show

… but the War on Christmas is very real. As proof, I offer you the BPI Holiday Tree and our long tradition – next Friday will mark our third year – of drinking and dancing around it on the night of the solstice, give or take a few days, one way or the other, depending on the Furthermore! schedule.

If that’s not proof, just look at the names of the people who cooked it up. What else would former Rahm Emanuel and Olympia Snowe – one a former chief of staff to two Democratic presidents, the other a relatively obscure Republican senator, thus meeting the staffing requirements for a Bipartisan Plan – to work together on?

“Not everyone in America is a Christian,” Senator Snowe didn’t say in the conference call we didn’t have yesterday, “but everyone likes to decorate the tree. We have lots of trees in Maine, so I see calling them ‘Holiday Trees’ as a way to boost demand and create jobs in my state.”

“Of course I joined that bleeping plan,” Mayor Emanuel didn’t add. “I’ll do anything I can to give Bill bleeping O’Reilly’s a bleeping case of jock itch, and nothing gets his tightie bleeping whities in a twist like the War on Christmas.”

(I should note that Mayor Emanuel didn’t say “bleeping” when we didn’t speak, but I can’t write what he really didn’t say as BPI maintains a family-friendly tone … except during our holiday dances.)

The Emanuel-Snowe Plan and the Panetta-Burns Plan do have one thing in common. Both are so secret that neither exists. Just like the War on Christmas, and ACORN, whom 49% of Republicans said stole the 2012 election in that same PPP survey. In fact, I think MSNBC’s Martin Bashir summarizes it best:

And that’s something to celebrate.

Good day and good nuts.

2 Responses to “Furthermore! – The Emanuel-Snowe War on Christmas”

  1. addisnana Says:

    Is BPI selling snowe globes with Emanuel inside? Or snow globes with Snowe and Emanuel inside? I think it would be a neat gift for students and faculty. That might be something Jon Stewart, if not Congress could investigate. It’d be like the Holiday version of the bobble-head dolls.

    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Think of this as a five star rating. Very funny!

  2. winterbanyan Says:

    I laughed so hard I couldn’t catch my breath: Christmas is eating Thanksgiving. Ah yes, I guess Stewart didn’t notice that in some stores it’s eating Labor Day as well.

    But I must say the Martin Bashir piece was brilliant, and that police officer brought tears to my eyes. I’m so glad a passerby thought to film it with her phone. THAT is the spirit of Christmas, and as far as I can tell, it’s alive and well.

    Thanks for a gloriously wonderful piece, Squirrel. Your didn’t happen conversation with Emanuel and Snowe was priceless, especially the Emanuel didn’t say quotes. Hah! I lost count of how often I laughed out loud.