I know you can build a cliff with mashed potatoes because Richard Dreyfus did it in Steven Spielberg’s documentary Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind. I’m not sure if you can do it with rice. (More)
I suppose you could if you used the really sticky white rice, like you get in they-call-it-sushi at the airport. But I’m not even sure they use rice in that. It looks, feels, and tastes more like leftover wallpaper paste from when they put up the big mural of whatever city you’re in, in case you forget which city you’re in.
I think it’d be harder to make a cliff if the rice is the good stuff, like American brown rice. You’d probably need a lot of congealed gravy. Or a few congealed Republicans….
Republicans Blast Susan Rice for Misleading Public: “That’s Our Job” – by Andy Borowitz (The New Yorker)
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – A trio of Republican senators today blasted U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice for misleading the American public, which, in the words of Sen. Lindsay Graham (R., S.C.), “has traditionally been our job.” “Ambassador Rice has been engaged in nonstop lies and double-talk,” said Sen. Graham, one of three Republican senators who had a closed-door meeting with Rice. “If she really wants to do those things so badly, she should run for the U.S. Senate like the rest of us.”
Drizzle they-call-it-soy-sauce on that link for more.
The issue, of course, is that Republicans are in dis array. Or dat array. They’re not sure which array, actually….
Remaking The Republican Party – (The Onion)
Mitt Romney’s poor performance among minority voters, single women, and young people has led many top Republicans to call for an overhaul of the party’s image. Here are some options the GOP is considering to extend its appeal:
- Start nominating hipper, more relatable 65-year-old men
- Begin rolling the R’s in “deportation” and “border fence”
- A bunch of abortions and stuff – whatever the gals want
- Change nothing and wait for rest of country to come to its senses
- Project youthful vibe by requiring Republican congressmen to walk around Capitol doing yo-yo tricks
Drop some pilaf on that link for more.
But Republicans aren’t limited to Susan Rice. They saw another cliff too….
“Please Stop Talking About the Fiscal Cliff” – by Andy Borowitz (The Borowitz Report)
TOLEDO (The Borowitz Report) – An Ohio man’s fascination with the so-called “fiscal cliff” – and his steadfast refusal to talk about anything else – has alienated everyone close to him, former friends of the man say.
Harland Dorrinson, a forty-one-year-old carpet-tile salesman and self-described “fiscal-cliff nut” has turned himself into a pariah with his inexplicable interest in the most tedious conversation topic ever.
Fling rice cakes at that link for more.
Republicans heard Dorrinson’s lone voice crying in the wilderness, amplified by at least two segments in every hour of cable news since the election. For some, it has created a dilemma….
WASHINGTON – Amid ongoing negotiations in Congress over the looming “fiscal cliff,” Rep. Tom Reed (R-NY) told reporters Wednesday he is “completely torn” between his commitment to conservative activist Grover Norquist’s meaningless anti-tax pledge and the general welfare of the entire country. “On the one hand, you have a nonsensical promise to blindly oppose tax increases regardless of circumstances, but on the other, you have the well-being of more than 300 million people and the long-term stability of the entire U.S. economy,” said Reed, adding that he is “really stuck between a rock and a hard place” now that he must decide between his loyalty to a dogmatic political lobbyist and his responsibility to serve the best interests of his constituents.
Try pudding on that link for more.
But one brave Republican has found a solution for his party….
Boehner: Obama Needs to Stop Acting Like He Won Election – by Andy Borowitz (The Borowitz Report)
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Tensions over the so-called fiscal cliff reached a boiling point today as House Speaker John Boehner accused President Obama of acting like he won the November election.
“Our message is clear: Mr. President, we are ready to negotiate with you,” Mr. Boehner told reporters. “But this nonsense of acting like you won the election has got to stop.”
Guzzle sake on that link for more.
In other news, Senate Republicans pledged to filibuster any discussion of obstructionism. I guess they got their cliff notes.