As exit pollsters and election workers crunched grids of numbers together – such as single Hispanic females under 30 in Miami-Dade Predict 219 – Florida officials announced they should have a final count for the 2012 election by 2017. (More)
It wasn’t quite that bad, but public and media pressure built on Florida Gov. Rick Scott (Republican, White, Male, Age 50-65, Income Over $100,000, Bald, Evangelical Christian, Tea Party Supporter) as the days dragged on. “I think we did the right thing,” Gov. Scott told reporters after questions about his refusal to extend early voting hours. “The system is working, and I’m committed to counting every Republican vote at least once.”
Alas, that pledge won’t be enough to change the outcome for Mitt Romney (Republican, White, Male, Age 65+, Income Way Over $100,000, Hair Gel, Mormon, Tea Party Flirt), whose hopes were dashed just after 11:15pm Tuesday night when the networks declared President Barack Obama (Democrat, Black, Male, Age 50-65, Income Over $100,000, Salt-and-Pepper, Other Protestant Christian, Home Beer Brewer) the winner of Ohio and thus the 2012 Presidential Election and sending Romney into a time travel machine….
Obamas Return to White House as Romneys Return to 1954 – by Andy Borowitz (The New Yorker)
BOSTON (The Borowitz Report) – America cast its historic vote today, sending Barack and Michelle Obama back to the White House while sending Mitt and Ann Romney back to 1954.
The election meant the end of the road for Mr. Romney, who had been actively seeking the Presidency for the past sixty-five years.
Addressing supporters at the Boston Convention Center, Mr. Romney called his defeat tonight “bittersweet”: “On one hand, I lost the election. But on the other hand, I’ll never have to show anyone my taxes.”
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Even Fox News agreed with the result, despite protests from Karl Rove (Republican, Male, Age 50-65, Income From GOP Donors, Balding, Other Protestant Christian, Tea Bag Eater), who insisted it was too close to call with only 750,000 votes in Obama-leaning precincts outstanding against at least 200,000 votes in Romney-leaning precincts. “The votes from those Obama precincts might get lost,” Rove told his colleagues on the air. “I have the Ohio Secretary of State on the phone right now.”
That seemed to buoy Romney’s spirits….
Romney Camp Retooling Campaign After Latest Setback – (The Onion)
BOSTON – Calling it “a small bump in the road,” sources within Romney headquarters announced plans Wednesday to readjust their campaign strategy following their candidate’s loss of the 2012 presidential election to Barack Obama.
“Obviously the defeat yesterday was tough, but we’re confident we can get right back on track and win this thing in the end,” said Romney campaign manager Matt Rhoades, adding that the GOP candidate “won’t be giving up just because of one bad day.” “The country simply can’t survive another four years of President Obama’s failed policies and broken promises. We just have to regroup, reconfigure a few things, and continue spreading our message to the American people that the man to lead this country forward is Mitt Romney.”
“We’re in this for the long haul,” Rhoades continued. “So we’re not going to let something minor, like not getting enough votes in the electoral college, set us back.”
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Rove’s outrage may have been prompted in part by angry texts from people like Sheldon Adelson (Republican, White, Male, Age 65+, Income Less Than Before The Campaign, Weird Straw Looking Stuff, Jewish, Whine Party Funder), who reportedly sent Rove this IM: “I bought this election twice over. Don’t even think about a VIP Suite next time you’re in Vegas.”
Indeed the election was expensive….
Nation Spends $2.5 Billion on Nothing – by Andy Borowitz (The New Yorker)
NEWS ANALYSIS (The Borowitz Report) – One day after the costliest Presidential election in U.S. history, Americans awoke to the ugly realization that the nation had spent $2.5 billion with absolutely nothing to show for it.
“Four years ago, Barack Obama was elected President of the United States, and that is still the case,” says Professor Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota. “The only difference is that we as a nation are out $2.5 billion.”
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By Wednesday, the bad news had sunk in for Romney, who turned to his wife Ann (Republican, Female, Age 50-65, We’ve Told You People All You Need To Know, Hair Spray, Mormon, Offers Leftover Hot Chocolate As Tip At Starbucks) and grumbled “I thought you said it was our turn!” He then returned to his writing….
The Chronicles of Mitt: Nov 8, 2012 – Hunter (The DailyKos)
Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.
It seems that the nation has once again failed me. My staff and I had a final meeting, during which I canceled all of their remaining credit cards and we discussed what could have gone wrong. I must confess this result has taken us all by surprise.
Eric F. opined that the most likely reason for our loss was Hurricane Sandy. Tropical storms of that nature are invariably given women’s names, and the constant repetition of a female name in the closing days of the campaign likely emasculated much of our base.
We also did not account for the vote suppression efforts of the other side. We had rallied the votes of nearly every wealth unit in this country; during election day, however, the other side engaged in nationwide efforts to water those votes down by including the votes of other citizens as well. The efforts of many state governors to curtail such rampant voting by commoners were valiant, but in hindsight even those were of insufficient size.
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The election may force a change of strategy, according to RNC Chair Reince Priebus (Republican, White, Male, Age 35-49, Income Over $100,000, Combed Back, Greek Orthodox, Calling For Tee Times Soon)….
Republicans Consider Welcoming People Who Believe in Math and Science – by Andy Borowitz (The New Yorker)
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Opting for a bold “big tent” strategy to rebuild the party, Reince Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, told reporters today, “We need to welcome people who believe in different things than we do, like math and science.”
After disappointing results in Tuesday’s election, Mr. Priebus said that it was time for Republicans to become “more tolerant of those with a math-and-science lifestyle.”
“Just because we don’t believe in those things doesn’t mean we can’t get along with people who do,” he said. “We want to send this message: math and science Americans are Americans, too.”
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But not all Republicans agree, according to Donald Trump (Republican, White, Male, Age 65+, Income From Bankruptcy, World’s Tackiest Hairpiece, Christian If Jesus’ Last Name Is Trump, Called For Revolution On Twitter)….
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Asked if she will run against Shrieking White-Hot Sphere of Pure Rage, Hillary Clinton (Democrat, White, Female, Age 65+, Income Over $100,000, Stylishly Coiffed, Other Protestant Christian, Vast Right Wing Conspiracy Critic) said it was too soon to make a decision. “I’ve spent most of my adult life in public service. I’ll need to think about how many more exploding balls of hot air I want to deal with.”