Welcome to this week’s At Home Investor, brought to you by SuckersOnline and WeGotcha. Our hot picks this week…. (More)
Actually, welcome to the Facepalm..er..Bookface edition of Silly Sunday, where we look Hither and Yon for humor. Which, admittedly, is a bit like asking them for stock tips. In fact, Hither and Yon sounds like a New Age music combo. Yon plays the flute while Hither soothingly chants from a stock ticker. Remember: you heard it here first.
Which is, of course, the problem with the Facebook opening. You heard it here on the internet first, but someone else heard something better on a phone call. So now you have to explain why you pawned your partner’s grandmother’s pearls to get in on the ground floor with the Facebook IPO. Puts a whole new slant on “Angry Birds,” doesn’t it?
Fortunately, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg feels your pain….
A Message about Facebook – by Andy Borowitz (The Borowitz Report)
From Founder Mark Zuckerberg
MENLO PARK, CA (The Borowitz Report) – The following letter to Facebook users was issued today by Facebook founder and CEO, Mark Zuckerberg:
Dear Facebook User,
Hi, it’s Mark.
As you may have heard, our IPO last week didn’t go quite as well as expected. How badly did it go, exactly? If you live in a major city, you’ve probably seen homeless guys huddled around bonfires of Facebook stock. More ominously, I just received a call from my attorney telling me that I probably didn’t need a prenup after all.
If you’re a Facebook investor, you already know what this means: it sucks to be you. But what if you’re one of the billion Facebook users in the world? Well, it also sucks to be you, because I am writing to you now to ask for your financial support to help save Facebook.
Lead a sheep to that link for more.
Not that Facebook is doomed. In fact, they may have found a new business model….
Facebook Tests New Timeline Design – by almostnews#8 (The Daily Satire)
Facebook is looking to change how personal profiles appear on its new Timeline design, according to reports. The new timeline would include more specific “on-point” information about users, and would replace the unpopular Timeline layout that is currently in use.
After watching their stock’s plummet recently, the company looked to renovate into an “accessible information” business plan. Their controversial new Timeline beta version includes name, phone number, home address, password, last viewed profiles list, social security number, and which doors are left unlocked in your house. These changes, if implemented according to plan, would greatly help partnering insurance companies to access all of the information they need.
Put your DNA sample on that link for more.
No, you shouldn’t have hocked those pearls, but at least you tried to be scientific about it….
MANAUS, BRAZIL – A team of scientists studying the Amazon Rainforest announced the remarkable discovery this week of thousands of previously undiscovered mammals, reptiles, birds and other species desperately cowering for dear life under rocks and assorted foliage.
According to biologists, the 16-month expedition in search of new indigenous lifeforms in the Amazon River basin was a remarkable success, uncovering over 2,300 varieties of heretofore unclassified lemurs, tarantulas, and porcupines as they convulsed in terror under flora and frantically scrambled up trees for safety.
“Our expedition has shown that the Amazon Rainforest is simply teeming with a multitude of creatures never before glimpsed in this region,” said lead researcher professor Courtland Gere, who personally observed a rare form of spider monkey as it huddled, shaking, inside the stump of a freshly felled tree. “Just mere minutes after our vehicles entered the forest, our team was lucky enough to hear the grief-stricken whimpers of a fascinating, previously unknown species of striped jaguar locked in the fetal position under a pile of leaves.”
Soothe that link for more.
Not that we always export misery. But we do need to export something….
U.S. Sends Emergency Shipment of Negative Ads to Egypt – by Andy Borowitz (The Borowitz Report)
Aid to Fledgling Democracy
CAIRO (The Borowitz Report – In what it is calling a mission to support a fledgling democracy in the Middle East, the United States this week sent an emergency shipment of negative ads to Cairo.
Explaining the secret mission, a State Department official said that with its first democratic elections getting underway, “Egypt had no access to the mother’s milk of any working democracy: vicious campaign ads full of lies and distortions.”
Starting at dawn on Sunday, U.S. Army paratroopers descended on the Middle Eastern nation armed with pamphlets, flyers, and DVDs of TV ads full of libelous falsehoods about Egypt’s presidential candidates.
Drop a Super-PAC on that link for more.
It’s all about education, you see….
Alabama School System’s Lone Textbook Falling Apart – (The Onion)
MONTGOMERY, AL – The Alabama Department of Education reported Wednesday that its sole textbook has begun to seriously show its age after more than a decade of heavy daily use at the state’s 1,500 public schools.
Officials said the decrepit tome, titled Introduction To Civics, has recently become so tattered that it is now nearly unusable for the 748,000 students enrolled in kindergarten through 12th grade who are required to share it.
“When you have every child in Alabama using the same textbook, there’s bound to be a certain amount of wear and tear over time,” said State Superintendent Dr. Thomas R. Bice, lifting the book’s cover to reveal the thin strip of adhesive barely connecting the badly disfigured piece of cardboard to its spine. “But with our book in this condition – pages partially ripped, some separated from the binding and jammed elsewhere in the wrong sequential order, others missing entirely – it becomes difficult to maintain an effective curriculum.”
“Unfortunately, what we have here is a book whose viability as Alabama’s primary teaching tool has just about run its course,” he added.
Stick some tape on that link for more.
And that’s about how much information you had about Facebook, as compared to the Library of Congress version the insiders gave each other over the phone. But hey, you still have those shares in that cotton candy farm….
Nation’s Cotton Candy Crop Ravaged By Carnival Weevils – by Doyle Redland (Onion Radio News)
Walk your corn dog onto that link for more Onion Radio News.
Yon is almost done with his flute, but Hither has a business idea: start breeding corn dogs. Seriously, those prudes at the Westminster Kennel Club will recognize your genius soon….