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Morning Feature – Home Delivery? (Ask Ms. Crissie)

May 20, 2012

Morning Feature

Morning Feature – Home Delivery? (Ask Ms. Crissie)

“I thought you might need this,” Professor Plum said as he handed us the week’s mail. He may have written it. (More)

Professor Plum insisted the letters were authentic, then left with Ms. Scarlet to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library to spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”). Meanwhile, the Professor of Astrology Janitor was hoping for a full house. He had opened the hand by raising with the Ace and Queen of Hearts, then bet again when the Ace and Queen of Diamonds and the Four of Clubs came on the flop. Chef called the Professor of Astrology Janitor’s early bets, and raised when the Six of Diamonds fell on the turn. She clearly held two Diamonds and an Ace-high flush, or did she?

She might also have a pair of Fours or a pair of Sixes, for three of a kind. Another Ace or Queen would give the Professor of Astrology Janitor a full house to beat her flush or, if she already had three Fours or three Sixes, a higher full house. He called, and sure enough the river revealed the Queen of Clubs. He bet again, called Chef’s all-in raise, and revealed his full house with three Queens. Chef turned over two black Aces, for a full house with three Aces. The Professor of Astrology Janitor began his plaintive mewling, and Chef left for the kitchen to make Homemade Cinnamon Buns, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

What do you liberals have against evidence? Yes, President Obama says he was born in Hawaii and the liberal media believe it, but for years his literary agency bio said he was born in Kenya. Before he appears on the ballot in my state, I think the state of Hawaii should present more evidence that he was born there. I want that evidence delivered by a Hawaiian courier to my home, Willowby Manor, in South Whitecross. Will you tell them to produce the evidence? Oh, and please ask them to have the courier wear a lei and a grass skirt, so I know she’s really from there.

Wallace Willowby IV in South Whitecross

Dear Wallace,

We congratulate you on your willingness to accept evidence. However, we note that a staffer at that literary agency has already admitted her mistake on that biography, and the State of Hawaii has already presented the evidence of President Obama’s birth in 2008, 2009, and again in 2011. The Hawaii State Department of Health website even has a separate page on President Obama’s birth documents, with links to all of the relevant evidence. We see no reason they should have to repeat that effort and deliver it to your home. As for the lei and grass skirt, we hope this will help:

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

That can’t be from Hawaii, as the video shows men in grass skirts too. And I still need to see the evidence myself. Take climate change, for example. The IPCC report says they have a consensus, but I spoke to a climate scientist who is a member of the IPCC and he disagrees. There are over a thousand scientists in that group. How can I be sure they all agree with the report? So please also tell the IPCC to send their entire membership to Willowby Manor. If they come at the same time as that Hawaiian courier, we can have a luau while I review their evidence.

Wallace Willowby IV

Dear Wallace,

We note that traditional Hawaiian luaus include both male and female dancers in grass skirts. We also note that you spoke with one of the roughly 2% of IPCC scientists who disagree with the organization’s consensus on climate change. While we think at least some members of the IPCC might enjoy a luau, we also think their members are probably busy doing, well, science. For example, they released a special report in 2011 titled Renewable Energy Sources and Climate Change Mitigation, and another this in 2012 titled Managing the Risks of Extreme Events and Disasters to Advance Climate Change Adaptation. Each report includes a list of the members who drafted it, and a list of the reviewers. You can download both of these reports from the internet. In that respect, they IPCC have already delivered their evidence to Willowby Manor, albeit without attending your luau.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Wow, those reports are long and detailed. I’ll need a lot of time to read through them. Fortunately, the roast pig won’t be done for a few hours so I have time. On the other hand, I’m already hungry. Can Chef bring a batch of her Homemade Cinnamon Rolls to Willowby Manor?

Wally

Dear Wally,

We note that Chef’s Homemade Cinnamon Rolls would not be “homemade” if she delivered them. However, we are pleased to add that you can make them yourself. Chef begins by dissolving a ¼ ounce package of yeast in ½ cup of warm water. Next, in a large bowl, she mixes ½ cup of scalded milk, ¼ cup of sugar, ⅓ cup of melted butter, 1 tsp of salt, and 1 egg. She next adds 2 cups of all-purpose flour and mixes that until the batter is smooth, then adds the dissolved yeast and mixes in another 1½ to 2 cups of flour until the batter is smooth. She then kneads the dough on a floured surface for 5-10 minutes, places it in a greased bowl, and allows it to rise for 60-90 minutes until it has doubled in size.

Chef then punches down the dough, rolls it into a 15×9″ rectangle and spreads ½ of melted butter over the dough, then mixes ¾ cup of sugar with 2 Tbsp ground cinnamon and spreads that over the buttered dough. Chef also sprinkles on ¾ cup of raisins, then rolls the dough from the 15″ side, pinches the edges together to seal the roll, then cuts the dough into 12 slices. She then butters a baking pan and sprinkles the bottom with cinnamon and sugar, then places the rolls in the pan and allows them to rise for 45 minutes until they double in size.

Chef then bakes the rolls in a 350°F oven for 30 minutes until they are nicely browned. While they bake, she melts 4 Tbsp of butter and mixes in 2 cups of powdered sugar and 1 tsp of vanilla extract, adding hot water 1 Tbsp at a time until the glaze reaches the desired consistency. When the rolls have cooled, she spreads the glaze over the rolls, allows it to harden slightly, and serves the Homemade Cinnamon Buns with a cinnamon-mocha latte. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Wallace Willowby IV; literary agency bio; Hawaii State Department of Health.

Wallace Willowby IV; 2011 IPCC Special Report; 2012 IPCC Special Report.

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10 Responses to “Morning Feature – Home Delivery? (Ask Ms. Crissie)”

  1. winterbanyan Says:

    I must say I’m astonished by the number Wallaces in the world who think they should get a specially delivered copy of President Obama’s certified birth certificate. These same people, I have no doubt, would absolutely erupt if states violated their privacy and produced birth certificates to just any old person who asks for one.

    State laws are very clear on who can request copies, usually parents of a minor child, and the person him/herself.

    I think I should get a copy of Wallace’s. Certified, of course. And then I can complain that it can’t be real because by law it shouldn’t be released to me if it’s real. There is no end.

    People like Wallace drive me nuts. Thanks for the skewering.

    Oh, and P.S. I had a PR firm for a while. Well, they worked for my publisher, actually. I never saw what they put out. I never got a chance to vet it. The only way I discovered that they had misrepresented something very important was, after a number of press interviews where it never came up, a reporter asked about that misrepresentation. Otherwise I never would have known.

    • NCrissieB Says:

      We suspect that Wallace is a composite character, albeit Based On A True Story. (Two true stories, actually.) Several clues led us to that conclusion. For example, we were unable to find any city or town named South Whitecross in the U.S. Also, the letters were delivered in a small envelope marked “Solution Cards.”

      Thank you for the story about your publisher’s PR firm. We are not shocked that not all authors are asked to review (or even sent copies of) publishers’ PR packets, nor are we shocked that those packets sometimes contain incorrect information. Mistakes happen, after all.

      Good morning! ::hugggggs::

    • Norbrook Says:

      Several of the blogs I follow relate to the birther issues. There’s the “Native and Natural Born Citizenship” blog, Doc Conspiracy’s blog, Bad Fiction, and The Fogbow. All of them do regular, in depth debunking of the various birther “arguments.” :roll:

      What’s been interesting to see is the ever-shifting goalposts they use. What it basically comes down to is “OMG!!! There’s a black man in the Oval Office!”

      • NCrissieB Says:

        We note that Chris Mooney, whose book the resident faculty discussed last week, offered shifting goalposts as an example of motivated reasoning.

        Good afternoon! ::hugggggs::

  2. Gardener Says:

    Mistakes were made, and if anyone was offended blah-blah-blah…… ;-)

    • NCrissieB Says:

      We don’t remember what we said about those mistakes but we stand by it blah-blah-blah…. ;-)

      Good morning! ::hugggggs::

  3. addisnana Says:

    My friend Doug has a saying, “Don’t argue with stupid.” For him it is a waste of time and might raise his blood pressure. The real question is how do stupid people get elected?

    Drives me nuts when I think about it too much. Thanks for the links. If I knew how to email the entire country I’d send the link to the State of Hawaii Department of Health.

    • NCrissieB Says:

      We agree with your friend Doug. As for how those people get elected, they tell compelling and sticky stories that fit what some voters already believe. We suggest progressives need to learn that same skill … while telling stories that are also grounded in facts.

      Good morning! ::hugggggs::

  4. mikeinthedirt Says:

    Your proof is obviously invalid. If Obama were indeed born in 2008, 2009, and 2011 as your statements attest, he would be much too young to be President. And which birth is the relevant one?

    • NCrissieB Says:

      Threeché! (As three dates were mentioned.)

      We are reminded of a line from Professor Plum’s favorite movie:

      White: He threatened to kill her in public.

      Scarlet: Why would he threaten to kill her in public?

      Butler: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.

      Good afternoon! ::hugggggs::