“I thought you might need this,” Professor Plum said as he handed us the week’s mail. He may have written it. (More)

Professor Plum insisted the letters were authentic, then left with Ms. Scarlet to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library to spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”). Meanwhile, the Professor of Astrology Janitor was hoping for a full house. He had opened the hand by raising with the Ace and Queen of Hearts, then bet again when the Ace and Queen of Diamonds and the Four of Clubs came on the flop. Chef called the Professor of Astrology Janitor’s early bets, and raised when the Six of Diamonds fell on the turn. She clearly held two Diamonds and an Ace-high flush, or did she?

She might also have a pair of Fours or a pair of Sixes, for three of a kind. Another Ace or Queen would give the Professor of Astrology Janitor a full house to beat her flush or, if she already had three Fours or three Sixes, a higher full house. He called, and sure enough the river revealed the Queen of Clubs. He bet again, called Chef’s all-in raise, and revealed his full house with three Queens. Chef turned over two black Aces, for a full house with three Aces. The Professor of Astrology Janitor began his plaintive mewling, and Chef left for the kitchen to make Homemade Cinnamon Buns, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

What do you liberals have against evidence? Yes, President Obama says he was born in Hawaii and the liberal media believe it, but for years his literary agency bio said he was born in Kenya. Before he appears on the ballot in my state, I think the state of Hawaii should present more evidence that he was born there. I want that evidence delivered by a Hawaiian courier to my home, Willowby Manor, in South Whitecross. Will you tell them to produce the evidence? Oh, and please ask them to have the courier wear a lei and a grass skirt, so I know she’s really from there.

Wallace Willowby IV in South Whitecross

Dear Wallace,

We congratulate you on your willingness to accept evidence. However, we note that a staffer at that literary agency has already admitted her mistake on that biography, and the State of Hawaii has already presented the evidence of President Obama’s birth in 2008, 2009, and again in 2011. The Hawaii State Department of Health website even has a separate page on President Obama’s birth documents, with links to all of the relevant evidence. We see no reason they should have to repeat that effort and deliver it to your home. As for the lei and grass skirt, we hope this will help:

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

That can’t be from Hawaii, as the video shows men in grass skirts too. And I still need to see the evidence myself. Take climate change, for example. The IPCC report says they have a consensus, but I spoke to a climate scientist who is a member of the IPCC and he disagrees. There are over a thousand scientists in that group. How can I be sure they all agree with the report? So please also tell the IPCC to send their entire membership to Willowby Manor. If they come at the same time as that Hawaiian courier, we can have a luau while I review their evidence.

Wallace Willowby IV

Dear Wallace,

We note that traditional Hawaiian luaus include both male and female dancers in grass skirts. We also note that you spoke with one of the roughly 2% of IPCC scientists who disagree with the organization’s consensus on climate change. While we think at least some members of the IPCC might enjoy a luau, we also think their members are probably busy doing, well, science. For example, they released a special report in 2011 titled Renewable Energy Sources and Climate Change Mitigation, and another this in 2012 titled Managing the Risks of Extreme Events and Disasters to Advance Climate Change Adaptation. Each report includes a list of the members who drafted it, and a list of the reviewers. You can download both of these reports from the internet. In that respect, they IPCC have already delivered their evidence to Willowby Manor, albeit without attending your luau.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Wow, those reports are long and detailed. I’ll need a lot of time to read through them. Fortunately, the roast pig won’t be done for a few hours so I have time. On the other hand, I’m already hungry. Can Chef bring a batch of her Homemade Cinnamon Rolls to Willowby Manor?

Wally

Dear Wally,

We note that Chef’s Homemade Cinnamon Rolls would not be “homemade” if she delivered them. However, we are pleased to add that you can make them yourself. Chef begins by dissolving a ¼ ounce package of yeast in ½ cup of warm water. Next, in a large bowl, she mixes ½ cup of scalded milk, ¼ cup of sugar, ⅓ cup of melted butter, 1 tsp of salt, and 1 egg. She next adds 2 cups of all-purpose flour and mixes that until the batter is smooth, then adds the dissolved yeast and mixes in another 1½ to 2 cups of flour until the batter is smooth. She then kneads the dough on a floured surface for 5-10 minutes, places it in a greased bowl, and allows it to rise for 60-90 minutes until it has doubled in size.

Chef then punches down the dough, rolls it into a 15×9″ rectangle and spreads ½ of melted butter over the dough, then mixes ¾ cup of sugar with 2 Tbsp ground cinnamon and spreads that over the buttered dough. Chef also sprinkles on ¾ cup of raisins, then rolls the dough from the 15″ side, pinches the edges together to seal the roll, then cuts the dough into 12 slices. She then butters a baking pan and sprinkles the bottom with cinnamon and sugar, then places the rolls in the pan and allows them to rise for 45 minutes until they double in size.

Chef then bakes the rolls in a 350°F oven for 30 minutes until they are nicely browned. While they bake, she melts 4 Tbsp of butter and mixes in 2 cups of powdered sugar and 1 tsp of vanilla extract, adding hot water 1 Tbsp at a time until the glaze reaches the desired consistency. When the rolls have cooled, she spreads the glaze over the rolls, allows it to harden slightly, and serves the Homemade Cinnamon Buns with a cinnamon-mocha latte. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Wallace Willowby IV; literary agency bio; Hawaii State Department of Health.

Wallace Willowby IV; 2011 IPCC Special Report; 2012 IPCC Special Report.

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