Louisianans chose Rick Santorum in yesterday’s Republican Presidential Primary. Laissez les bons temps rouler! (More)
Santorum did not comment on whether the Bayou State should ban French and Creole, adopt English as the official language, and change the name of the state capital to Red Stick. The as-yet uncirculated rumors that Santorum campaigned by exposing his chest on Bourbon Street are also probably false. Still, we congratulate him on defeating a frontrunner whose senior advisor admitted their campaign strategy is based on an Etch-a-Sketch. That frontrunner, who was last seen stepping on a crawdad, is now reportedly planning to shake up his campaign staff.
We spare no expense in surveying a small portion of the internet for the latest political news, so without further adieux – nyah nyah – we bring you Silly Sunday: Let the Good Times Roll!
Santorum To Turn Washington Monument Into Crucifix – by jdubbs (The Daily Satire)
NEW YORK, NY – Worldwide famous psychic Sylvia Browne appeared on “The Today Show” Monday morning and revealed Republican Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum’s alarming plans for the Washington Monument. Santorum is allegedly planning on turning the Egyptian obelisk into a crucifix once he takes Presidential office.
Sylvia Brown told Ann Curry, “I was ever so blessed to have a conversation with Jesus himself two evenings ago. He informed me on Rick Santorum’s plan to make minor adjustments to the original monument, transforming the horrific phallic shaped abomination into the only acceptable structure, the crucifix. Jesus told me that by thinning out the base and using the removed materials to form the parallel line making the cross shape, then adding a paper Mache image of myself (Jesus) covered in authentic raw hide from the Smithsonian Museum of History, the appropriate structure will finally stand proud.”
Nail something to that link for more.
But restyling national monuments is hardly Santorum’s only plan to change America….
LAFAYETTE, LA – Saying his campaign has “really dodged a bullet so far,” Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum told reporters today that, much to his relief, no one has asked his opinion on interracial marriage. “No question about it, what I’d have to say about the topic would absolutely terrify anyone with a conscience,” said Santorum, adding that his longstanding and carefully thought-through views on whether two individuals of different races should be allowed to marry would put him so far out of the mainstream that it’d be “hilarious how insane [he]’d sound.”
Put a straitjacket on that link for more.
Even after the win in Louisiana, the Etch-a-Sketcher remains the likely Republican nominee, leaving some voters distressed….
Potential Matchup Between Black Man and Mormon Poses Dilemma for Bigots – by Andy Borowitz (The Borowitz Report)
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – With a fall presidential contest between President Barack Obama and former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney seeming increasingly likely, America’s bigots are finding themselves in a quandary over which candidate to support, prominent bigots confirmed today.
Across the U.S., voters who describe themselves as bigots are complaining that a first-ever matchup between a Black man and a Mormon, while historic, is forcing them to ask a difficult question: which group do they hate more?
“I’ve always seen myself as pretty versatile, bigotry-wise,” said Herb Torlinson, a hardware salesman from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. “But I guess this is going to be an election that really puts my different hates to the test.”
Shake head on that link for more.
Fortunately, the primary race is not the only political news….
Cheney Receives Heart Transplant; Bush Still on Waiting List for Brain – by Andy Borowitz (The Borowitz Report)
FALLS CHURCH, VA (The Borowitz Report) – Former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant today, but former President George W. Bush remained on a waiting list for a brain, hospital officials confirmed.
As part of a government contract signed while he was still Vice President, Halliburton performed the reconstruction work on Mr. Cheney’s circulatory system at a cost to taxpayers of $14.2 billion.
The doctor who performed the surgery called the procedure “extremely invasive – just the way the Vice President wanted it.”
Drop a scalpel on the link for more.
And in what we’re sure is an unrelated story….
Boss’s Going-Away Party A Little Too Jubilant – by Doyle Redland (The Onion)
Toast that link for more Onion Radio News.
Santorum offered no comment when asked whether Americans would spill into the streets and dance with joy when his candidacy finally ended, though he said he could offer plenty of bead necklaces as party favors….
Join us next week for Silly Sunday: Final Four Edition!