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Morning Feature – A Study in Gastronomy? (Ask Ms. Crissie)

March 11, 2012

Morning Feature

Morning Feature – A Study in Gastronomy? (Ask Ms. Crissie)

“The faculty senate want Chef to join the college of physical sciences,” Professor Plum said. “She would be the Professor of Gastronomy.” (More)

Chef was not impressed. She explained that while there is a culinary field called molecular gastronomy, which includes some empirical studies, food tastes are still subjective. Professor Plum nodded and left with Ms. Scarlet to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”). Meanwhile, the Professor of Astrology Janitor had been studying chaos theory in the context of the staff poker game. A ladybug landed on the poker table, and the Professor of Astrology used his cards to lift the insect and carry it safely outside. Alas, taking cards away from the table voided his hand. As it happens, he was holding a pair of Kings. It wasn’t quite a butterfly in China starting a hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico, but it did elicit the Professor of Astrology Janitor’s plaintive mewling, which sent Chef to the kitchen to make Ham and Cheesy Grits. That left your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….


Dear Ms. Crissie,

I realize the South is a bit of an away game for me, but just yesterday I had a biscuit and some cheesy grits for breakfast and I’m learning to say “y’all.” Strange things are happening to me. Am I becoming an honorary Southerner?

Mitt in La MANHCA

Dear Mitt,

We would congratulate you on eating a biscuit and cheesy grits, were these not skills that a typical toddler can manage. We hope learning to say a one-syllable word will not prove too great a challenge for your software development staff. As the south uses the same 120-volt, 60-cycle alternating current as the rest of the U.S., we are confident you will have no problem recharging yourself overnight.


Dear Ms. Crissie,

Gastronomy will be a science under my administration. I promised a permanent colony on the moon, and now I have a challenge for the president. I would be glad to debate him at any gas station in America. No Obama, no expensive gas. When Barack Obama was sworn in three years ago, gas was $1.89 per gallon. Why is it so hard to believe it will get down to $2.50 per gallon?

Newt in GA

Dear Newt,

We regret to inform you that gastronomy is not the study of campaign promises about lunar colonies and the price of gasoline. We note that the current spike in gasoline prices is based on part on global oil market forces that no president can fully control, including the tension with Iran, and partly on the your party’s obstruction of federal regulators’ attempts to rein in oil market speculators. We also note that you have been the most apocalyptic of warmongers on Iran, adding to the tension that is unsettling the global oil market. Finally, we note that you have promised to repeal the Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Finance Protection Act, which provides the legal basis for regulating oil market speculation. While we recognize that you produce plenty of gas that could be priced at $2.50 per gallon, we conclude that the gas you produce is not a useful energy source.


Dear Ms. Crissie,

While those two were talking about food and gas, I had a very, very good day. I kept saying to voters in Kansas, you just stick with us, you go out and vote for your values and trust what you know. Because you don’t live in New York City. You don’t live in Los Angeles. You live like most Americans in between those two cities, and you know the values you believe in.

Rick in PA

We congratulate you on your win in Kansas, though we question your claim that most Americans live in smaller cities like Springfield, Missouri where you gave your victory speech yesterday. In fact, the Office of Management and Budget and U.S. Census found that most Americans live in metropolitan areas with populations over one million. We regret to inform you that large cities are, indeed, “real America.”


Dear Ms. Crissie,

How many times do I have to say “y’all” while making Chef’s Ham and Cheesy Grits? And how do I make them?

I’all’s Hungry in Blogistan

Dear I’all’s Hungry,

We have good news and bad news. The bad news is that “I’all” is not the Southern first person pronoun. The good news is that you needn’t say “y’all” at all while making Chef’s Ham and Cheesy Grits. Chef makes those by stirring ½ cup of grits in a pan with 2¼ cups of water, adding 1 tablespoon of butter and ¼ teaspoon of salt. Chef then brings the water to a boil, covers the pan, reduces the heat to simmer, and allows all of the water to cook into the grits. While the grits are simmering, Chef cubes ½ cup of ham and browns on a skillet in butter. When the grits are ready, Chef stirs in the ham along with ½ cup of shredded cheddar cheese. Bon appétit!



Molecular gastronomy.

Mitt in La MANHCA.

Newt in GA; most apocalyptic of warmongers on Iran; oil market speculation; promised to repeal Dodd-Frank.

Rick in PA; most Americans live in large cities.


Happy Sunday!

10 Responses to “Morning Feature – A Study in Gastronomy? (Ask Ms. Crissie)”

  1. winterbanyan Says:

    Oh, your skewer was sharp this morning, Ms. Crissie. :lol: Between Newt’s gas and Romney recharging overnight, I was in stitches.

    Great takedown of Newt. I seem to remember paying over $5/gallon at the pump when Shrub was president. And I seem to remember being fairly convinced that the sharp decrease in gas prices had more to do with the election than the oil.

    Glad you debunked the stuff about cities. The demographics have changed over the last fifty years, which just goes to show Republicans are still living in the wrong decade, and possibly the wrong century.

    • NCrissieB Says:

      We think Romney 4.0 is due for a reboot. Fortunately, we know many people who have boots. ;-)

      As for the demographics of where Americans live, we recall election night of 2008, when President Obama won a clear majority of the popular vote and an overwhelming majority of electoral votes. Yet many networks displayed a map of the U.S. showing the vote by county, and commenters spoke of “islands” of Democratic voters (mostly in and around cities) in a “sea” of Republican voters (mostly in rural counties). If square miles voted, that map and that analysis would have been relevant. But people vote, and most of the American people live in and near very large cities.

      Good morning! ::hugggggs::

  2. Jim W Says:

    I guess I need the new edition of On Food and Cooking.

    As for gas, Newt needs advisors that read the Oil Drum. He might also read this article about the world market. The Southern portion of the keystone pipeline is all about the export market which would raise US gasoline prices.

    • NCrissieB Says:

      We think Newt in GA prefers to read his own words and has little interest in facts that don’t fit his talking points.

      Good morning! ::hugggggs::

    • addisnana Says:

      Thanks for the links Jim.

  3. addisnana Says:

    I think I’all would be a real word when applied to Mitt. It incorporates all his positions quite nicely.

    Thanks for the giggles.