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Furthermore! – Requesting a Campus Squirrel Bath

October 29, 2010


Furthermore! – Requesting a Campus Squirrel Bath

From: BPI Squirrel

To: BPI Budget Committee

The campus has already has a lovely bird bath. The resident faculty even have a hot tub that they claim as their faculty lounge. But we have no squirrel bath. And I often need one after reading the news. (More)

For example, there’s this McClatchy story today on our news feeds. (Oh, and while I’m at it, stories about nuts on our campus news feeds are not the same as a campus feeder with nuts. Just sayin’.) I noticed it because of last week’s Morning Feature series on the real fraud in claims of “election fraud.” The fraud is the claims themselves. Proven examples of fraudulent votes average only 0.04% of votes cast. That’s four-in-10,000.

But you can always find something like this:

“We have had some problem in the past with folks voting that should not have happened,” said Lloyd Smith, the executive director of the Missouri Republican Party.

Among those was the famous case in 2000 of Ritzy Meckler — a dog — listed on the St. Louis voter registration rolls. Smith likened the party’s preparations this year to “a speed limit on a highway. It’s not there to write you a ticket, but to make sure everyone plays by the rules.”

Yep, one dog. That’s part of the four-in-10,000. Send out armies of “poll watchers” to scrutinize every brown-skinned voter in St. Louis … just in case a poll worker might not notice a dog asking for a ballot.

Of course it’s not one dog. It’s also:

In fla we had 200,000 illegals vote last election. That means the votes of 200,000 actual citizens was neutralized by people who had absolutely no business at the polls. But in the twisted minds of liberals this is perfectly acceptable. Endorsing itis in fact “patriotic” to them.

That is a user comment from Buhbyeklein.

Google [Florida 2008 200000 illegals vote] and you’ll find lots of news articles … and not one claiming 200,000 illegals voted in Florida that year. The closest I could find was a story that Democrats registered 200,000 new voters from September to mid-October in 2008. There is no evidence any of them was illegal. I couldn’t even find a pundit or blogger who made that claim in October or November of 2008. The user comment is a lie … plain and simple.

I read this stuff as research for my thesis on 21st Century Political Nuttitude. And after reading it, I want to take a bath. The birds have a bath. The resident faculty have their hot tub faculty lounge. Please build a squirrel bath.

Thank you.

  • winterbanyan

    We’ll give you a squirrel bath…after I take my own bath. I’m sick of lies and damned lies, and if a Republican mouth is moving, it’s probably lying.

    They make up their own world, one that has almost no relationship to reality, and dare to present it as real.

    Mark Twain had a line that was valid over a hundred years ago and still applies today, “Truth is rare, so we need to economize it.”

    Yeah. So little changes, except the megaphone gets bigger and louder.

    • NCrissieB

      A little-known fact (by TGOP standards): Mark Twain was actually the pseudonym of a squirrel named Guffy McWerdee. Samuel Clemons was McWerdee’s editor. I hired 200,000 Florida voters to research whether it’s true that I’m a direct descendant of McWerdee. I paid them with macadamias.

      What … you were expecting acorns?

  • HurrikanEagle

    To: @BPISquirrel

    From: BPI Budget Committee

    Dear BPI Member,
    While the fiscal year has indeed rolled over we are currently unable to further examine your request for a Squirrel Bath. Currently all the members of the BPI Budget Committee (BPIBC) are currently practicing GOTV and a majority of our current budget for the month is being funneled towards these aims.

    We therefore ask that you resubmit your request after 02 November 2010. After this time the BPIBC will be reconvening and will then hear your request as well as further arguments for and against said campus addition.


    • NCrissieB

      From: The BPI Squirrel

      To: The Random Person Filling In For The BPI Budget Committee

      That probably also explains why I haven’t yet received the refill bottle of Garden Gnome Cleaner.

      Okay, I’ve put that on my Blewberry Calendar for next Wednesday. Thank you for your timely response!

  • JanF

    I will have you know that laughing like a loon while standing in a jetway will get you lots of funny looks. But probably nothing like the looks one would get when they tried to get their dog in to vote. Paw once for Democrat…paw twice for republican. Wait…not FAIR…harder for republican dog to vote!! :sigh:

    I might need to crank up the wind wagon for another tour after the election and see if I can find a squirrel bath. I thought sure I saw one somewhere. 😉

    • NCrissieB

      From: The BPI Squirrel

      To: Professor of Topofclassclownistics and HEMMED Lab Director

      Oh no. You are on a jetway? That means you’re traveling? Did you get an actual seat, in the passenger area, with the movie? And those little bags of nuts? If so, please save the nuts for me. Thank you!

      • JanF

        Ha ha ha. Do not make me laugh (well, okay, go ahead). Airlines stopped giving out nuts right around the time they stopped offering airline “service”. Bring your own food, bring your own nuts, bring your own movie (but not on a portable electronic device) and pay for “excess” baggage (that is the bags more than “0” that you think you might need for a 5 day trip to a different climate than your own).

        I did have a seat.

  • addisnana

    Dear bpi squirrel:

    I hear that it rains most afternoons in South Blogistan, usually between 4 and 5 p.m. Have you thought about utilizing the rain as your free outdoor shower? We might have to apply for a nudity permit and you should be glad now that you’re not in Delaware because a certain not-a-witch might have problems with naked squirrels.

    Along the lines of the earth being our home and not our trash can, it would seem that enjoying the fruits of Mother Nature would be great fun for you.

    • JanF

      Oh, great. I end my day thinking about naked squirrels. First, winterbanyan talks about the Halls of Macademe and now this.

      The squirrels have taken over … and they are … Yikes…better stop now.

    • NCrissieB

      From: The BPI Squirrel

      To: Professor of Bathtublueberrywhisperology

      Thank you for that excellent suggestion. I enjoy those afternoon showers, except for the lightning. We also use the afternoon showers to clean the tree, and to launder any items the Professor of Astrology Janitor missed when cleaning up after the last game where the underwear goes flying planning conference. Still, I usually read the news in the morning, and it would be nice to take a bath immediately rather than waiting for the late afternoon.